In Africa, cities are created where the population can not live

If you take a closer look at the evolution of the global population, it quickly becomes clear that not only are we becoming more and more people, but we are also increasingly attracting men and women to the big cities. Especially here in Germany, this is often seen as a problem, as more and more jobs disappear in the country and the supply there is increasingly worse.

The situation is similar in the countries of Africa with which I deal in our current article. In the past, we have already told you about new cities that are being built up within a few years. For example, the major project "Diamniadio" in Senegal , which will combine mobility and sustainability in the future. Money for such projects comes mainly from China .

The new cities bring many benefits to Africa. In addition to the economic growth that comes from the establishment of companies and the attracting of new investors, the quality of life for the inhabitants by a better supply will continue to rise. In this w…

Save Relationship: The first 2 years are crucial

We have 2 years time. Then it's clear if we can do it or not. Says Ted Huston, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas. Huston's study examines the causes of separation and divorce. And with it, how we can save our relationship.

Relationship saving is according to Ted Huston

  • the number of years before we get married, as well
  • our attitude to our relationship.

What does that mean for your relationship? What do I do when it's up to scratch and I do not know what to do? Some answers and suggestions can be found in this blog post.

Why do couples divorce?

What is the cause of divorces? In " 4 Steps to Breakup"   and other contributions, I presented the results of John Gottman - a well-known American divorce researcher. Now there are current results of other researchers. What is new is that the ratio of newly married couples in the first 2 years of their marriage is crucial to the quality of relationships.

Ted Huston found out that conflict and dispute are not the causes of divorce, but the loss of the original level of love and tenderness . This leads to more quarrels, arguments and conflicts.

What does that mean for you and your relationship or marriage?

It is not the conflict prevention and conflict resolution that should be of the utmost importance to you, but the question of how you can maintain the positive feelings towards your partner. To put small signs of love in everyday life is the challenge that couples should master together. Then it comes - so Huston - to less dispute and the divorce probability decreases considerably.

For me, these thoughts are not surprising. For some time now I have focused on the topic of positive communication and how to strengthen it in relationships. For couples, it is often easier or more promising to increase the share of positive communication than to work on eliminating negative communication. The focus on the beautiful things that you can experience and experience together is often more promising than a serious conversation, where you throw each other things to the head. It is important to speak things, to actively listen to each other and to decode the things we hear .This competence is needed. The other competence for positive communication is rather a key competence, which makes it easier for us to listen to each other, to approach each other and to allow closeness and intimacy.

Loss of closeness / intimacy as a cause of divorce and conflict

First, you feel as close to your sweetheart as no other human being. This closeness decreases with time. Mutual appreciation at the beginning of a relationship can hardly be maintained in everyday life. At the beginning you think that only he / she knows how you are doing or how things look like YOU understand you correctly. Then comes the reality check for many. The many small disappointments in everyday life lead to the feeling "we have lived apart".

Which model do you live in your relationship?

In science, this everyday disenchantment is called disillusionment . In other words, we build an illusion at the beginning of the relationship that can not be sustained. The shorter the time between getting to know each other and the wedding, the sooner this is the case.

Huston said this that it is a different model than the Disillusionment model are , that helps couples. He calls it the "enduring dynamics model" : Couples develop patterns of relationships that keep the relationship stable in the long term. This should help the couples to master the transition from the "romantic relationship" to the "working partnership" together.

That's the biggest trigger for divorce

According to Huston, losing the original level of love and affection is the biggest trigger for divorce. Thus, it is not the conflicts that couples experience as a divorce trigger, but rather the loss of closeness and intimacy that happens before that.

This realization should lead us to not rush to resolve conflicts and problems to "save" relationships. Rather, it is about the positive feelings for each other to get or something to do so that intimacy and closeness take place again and have space.

What can I do to make my relationship better?

To listen

That sounds almost too easy to be true? Listening is a skill we often lose over the years of a relationship. Why? Because communication wears off. Another reason, according to a study, is that we become more and more weary in explaining the longer we know each other. This makes listening harder for the partner.

How can my partner learn to listen?

Listening to each other is the gateway to more closeness and intimacy in the relationship. Difficult it is not to interrupt itself and to preformulate answers in the head. Listening is an art that has to be learned and practiced like a craft, to make us masters of listening.

Step 1: Active listening begins with yourself

Your partner learns to listen when you start. First, without much to say. Try to listen for 3-5 minutes without interrupting. Then ask if you did not understand something or a term needs to be decrypted.

Step 2: Role reversal

When you realize that you can listen without formulating your own mind, then it's time for a role reversal. Only now you come out of the cover and tell your sweetheart that you would like to try something in your relationship. Explain to him / her that it may be a bit difficult at the beginning and therefore needs rules.

The rules are the same as in step 1. One listens, one speaks. Answers are only available when a page is completely finished. Before that, there are questions to explain what was not clear (decipher). Only when you have the feeling to have understood exactly what has happened and who said / done what, is it time for step 3.

Step 3: Your answer

Now it's getting exciting. Step 3 is not about your answer. It's about finding out what your partner wants or needs from you. Is about

  • a solution
  • listen (without solution)
  • a hug
  • a praise (xxx did you do great, or I like you especially ......)

Find out before you answer yourself. Follow step 1 to step 3 and you'll experience what it's like when someone listens to you with full attention. How it is when you feel interest and when there is a dialogue between you two.

What if it does not work? What if we can not do that with listening? With relationship stress, criticism, devaluation or walls as reaction patterns are often in the foreground. This is often because so much has already accumulated. Then an accompanied communication will help you. This can be through communication tools from the relationship case (question cards) or eg through a mediation.

The Relationship Case - an interactive communication tool for everyday relationships

With the relationship case you can playfully try out the steps described above. On the questionnaires all relationship-relevant topics as well as funny topics (pantomime) are shown. You choose yourself what you want to do. Do you want pantomime or knowledge questions, or are you interested in active listening and decrypting?

Get help from outside - mediation

When couples come to mediation with me to save their relationship, I notice the absence of closeness and intimacy very quickly. On the one hand, I can see how little the couples turn to each other. Often, they can hardly look each other in the eye when addressing the issues that hurt.

In mediation it is possible to work out solutions together. Often this is too difficult for couples if they have waited too long. Resistance from one side or both sides is very big to open to a third person. I can understand this well. What strikes me more is how much injury and loneliness has often entered into relationships.

Here you can find more information about the topic

In the relationship case you will find communication tools and get the opportunity to get to know your partner map in a playful way. Or if it's hard for you to say nice things to your sweetheart, try out Happy Messages in the Couples Game Box.

Games Box for Couples: Small Signs of Love for Relationship Everyday Life

Experiencing relationship happiness in everyday life

The games box for couples is an easy way to start when it comes to positive communication in everyday life. Happy Messages allow you to quickly and easily place and receive small signs of love each day. With the playing cards you can experience through P antomime, self-image / external image and knowledge questions simple and uncomplicated how communication can be refreshing.

Save or end relationship?

Ultimately it is and remains your decision whether you want to save the relationship or just can not do and want and end the relationship. Rescue Relationship takes a lot of patience and time with your partner. If you first know the partner map and the relationship case with 7 communication tools , the relationship dynamics will be positive sooner. It often helps couples in mediation to talk to each other about their expectations. When both sides clarify what they expect, how, when, where, and why, everyday relationships become clearer and more feasible for both sides.

I wish you a lot of fun trying it out.


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